Disclaimer because I feel like I need to put one: I am not perfect. I am not a saint. I am not “righteous” or “holier than thou”. I am not always right. I’ve made many mistakes and I will continue to make many more. I might be a jerk in everyone else’s eyes but this is just how I feel after everything that’s happened over the past week, so please don’t think I’m trying to be better than anyone else because that isn’t the case.
Sometimes you just give it your all, but things don’t go the way you planned.
Sometimes you get called stubborn.
Sometimes you get called “actually so obnoxious”.
Sometimes you try to put in 110% and get accused of doing “absolutely nothing”.
Sometimes you do your best to help someone out as much as you can – not because they ask, but because you care.
And sometimes that person doesn’t give a rat’s ass at all.
This past week has been tough, but if anything, it’s been eye-opening. I’ve learned that people aren’t always as nice as you think they are and that first impressions suck. I’ve learned that it’s possible for friendships not to be as mutual as you thought they were and for good intentions to go to waste.
So much has happened to me lately. I feel as though I’ve been thrown into the real world, where people are mean and kindness is taken advantage of. Because in reality, most people are selfish and only care about themselves. Most people will take the easy road if given a choice, me included.
There are many times in the bible that state that when Jesus was still living on Earth, He had compassion for the people. Compassion is such a beautiful thing that no one appreciates; an embodiment of love and grace. Jesus not only felt compassion but acted on it, which is what led Him to the ultimate Sacrifice. Our God is so compassionate and I think I’ve only just begun to understand what that means over this past week.
The compassion that God shows us is not the same as being “nice” or “kind”. The compassion He shows us transcends all of of our mistakes – past, present and future. God shows us grace and mercy even though He knows we’ll mess up again. He knows that we’ll hurt Him and curse Him and disobey Him an infinite number of times, yet he responds by giving us an infinite amount of love, which we often take for granted – It’s only something that He could do.
I’ve also learned that compassion is not a weakness. It’s often associated with being gentle and soft, but having compassion and acting on it is hard work. It’s about putting others before yourself, making sacrifices, gritting your teeth and doing things you don’t like – for people you might not even like who might hurt you.
Truthfully, I’ve never considered myself as compassionate before, but if that is a trait I do carry, I would say it’s beginning to disappear. It feels like a light inside of me is slowly turning off. I hate the direction that I’m heading towards. This direction that feels like hope is folly and believing people can change is just foolishness.
You know, I’ve always held the notion that people have goodness inside of them, no matter how deep it may be buried. I’ve always thought that that goodness had the potential to surface and grow, until it produced good fruit – and I never wanted to give up believing and trying to water that seed. But lately it seems like this was just a lie I’d tell myself. Not everyone is kind and has good intentions. Sometimes people are mean just because they’re mean, and some people couldn’t care less about anyone other than themselves. It feels like I just have to wake up and deal with that fact because life isn’t a fairytale, and people will hurt me for no good reason. I know it’s not all true, but I know now that having compassion and kindness isn’t enough to survive in this world – I need to be able to stand up for myself and be a little less kind sometimes.
What I pray is that I won’t turn into a complete jerk.
tl;dr version: Life’s kicked me in the lady parts and told me I needed to grow a set of balls instead.