82 days later

First post of the year but nothing special (actually a pretty sub-par post of rambling). Just some thoughts and feelings from over the past few months. This post is really fragmented but that’s what happens when you don’t really know how you’re feeling or how to put it into words. I love the title though haha, happy coincidence. I hope you get the reference.

82 days.

It’s been 82 days since I last posted on this blog.

That’s 2 months and 21 days.

I never intended to be away from here for so long. In fact, there were a few times I did try to write something but I just never ended up finishing or publishing those posts.

I wish I could tell you that over those 82 days I was gone, I accomplished something amazing. I wish I could tell you that I turned my life around and got my crap together. I really wish I could say that I found an amazing job and decided on an area of study and got rid of all my bad habits.

But then I’d be lying to you.

Truthfully though, those last 82 days have been a series of ups and downs.

At about the time I wrote my last post, things were going really great. It was the start of the holiday season and I was close to finishing my Cert 3. in Hospitality. All of my friends were also finishing up their studies for the semester and I was really excited to be able to spend a lot of time with them.

December (Summer here, FYI) totally fulfilled my expectations. I was on a high for the entire month – I went out almost every day with my friends, spent most of my money on food (as one does) and just had a really amazing time in general. Even when I wasn’t out, I’d still be spending time with people I loved – playing online games or talking on Skype. I made so many great memories with so many great people. December really did turn out to be the stereotypical “summer break” you see in those American high school movies.

Then January rolled around.

It wasn’t exactly what I’d call bad, but it wasn’t good either. By early January I was tired of going out (I am an introvert, after all) and I was running out of cash. A few personal issues had also appeared, and paired with my moody personality, I didn’t handle things as well as I could have. Regardless of that, things around me were also getting pretty relaxed with everyone else preparing for school and going back to work. If December was high up in the clouds; January was falling back to Earth. It really wasn’t a great way to start the year.

Now it’s February, and everyone’s getting back into their daily routines of studies and work and weekends. I guess I’m the same, but not in a good way – I can feel myself getting sucked back into the whirlpool of procrastination and laziness that has been absorbing my life for the past few years.

See, although I was somewhat motivated during the “New Years period”, I never put it upon myself to properly make any goals this year because I knew I wouldn’t be able to follow through with them. I have a very vague idea of what I want to accomplish, but apart from that, nothing is set. In January I thought that I had figured a few things out – specific things I wanted to achieve, an idea of what I wanted to pursue.. but now I look back, I’m not so sure anymore.

I can’t believe that it’s only the second month of the year and I’m already running out of fuel. These days all I feel like doing is sleeping and daydreaming – and if I’m not doing that then I’m watching a TV series or playing a game. I’ve pretty much stopped posting on most of my social media and it’s even come to the point where I haven’t been replying to people’s messages.

It feels like all that progress I made was for nothing. I’m backsliding.

Like a lot of other people, I’d like to think that I have potential. But something inside of me is holding me back. Whenever I think about taking responsibility for my life, I’m overcome with anxiety and fear and doubt. And because I don’t want these negative emotions, I block them out by avoiding responsibility completely. I know that self-pity and loathing will do nothing to solve my issues, and that I’m the only one that can do something about it. I  know that I can’t continue to rely on other people around me and that I need to become independent. I need to somehow gather the courage and change my mindset, because although I don’t know exactly what I want, I do know that I really want this year to be a year I’m proud of.

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