FIX YOU

It’s been a while since I posted something on here, so here’s something short.

Even though I wrote all about motivation in Broken Glass, I don’t really feel like I’ve made much progress since then despite my efforts. Not even one thing comes to mind when thinking about how I’ve improved since then.

In fact, sometimes it even feels like I’ve moved backwards.

I’ve been trying to look for work on and off lately, but I’m so picky about where I apply to that I’ve hardly applied anywhere. And when I do find something that I like, I read the job description and wuss out at the last second. Answering phone calls? Ugh that means I have to talk to customers and make a good impression on people and what if I say something wrong and they’ll hate me and they’ll have a horrible view of the company and ugh. Nope. 

It seems to be that I have no self-confidence – which is ironic because I have a pretty big ego. In my mind, I always feel like I’m not good enough to apply for these jobs because I have to “better myself” before I can present myself to the real world. In a way I guess it’s sort of motivating, since I’m always thinking about ways I can improve. But it sucks because I’m constantly failing at it and my standards just keep rising. This lack of confidence extends to almost all areas of my life, including this blog. To be honest, it’s actually the reason why I haven’t posted anything on here since the beginning of the month. I have about 3 drafted posts, but when I re-read them I just think they’re not good enough and decide not to publish them, which is really stupid considering that no one reads my blog anyway and I’m supposed to be doing this for myself.

It’s been said many times and stuck on an infinite number of adolescent bedroom walls, but I’ve recently come to the conclusion that nobody is perfect. The basic message in this saying is that we should accept ourselves and others as who they are, flaws and all. But I want to take it a step further. I don’t think we should have to improve ourselves so drastically before doing something as simple as applying for an entry-level job or writing a blog post or talking to a stranger, because we will most likely never reach that standard we’ve set up for ourselves. In fact, it’s more of a backslide not taking these small opportunities rather than going for them, because every chance you take is a chance for improvement.

And these opportunities are endless.

Just as an fyi, I don’t mean to say that preparation is completely unnecessary and that we should always wing it. For example, I want to move out and live on my own one day but I know I’m not ready for it right now for many reasons – I don’t have a reliable source of income, car, cooking skills, I actually have no idea how to use the washing machine.. and uh, let’s just stop right there. I’m just saying there are some things I can do right now regardless of if I ‘have my life together’ or not, and the only thing that seems to be stopping me is myself.

I know how obvious the points I made today actually are, but for some reason I never really got it and it’s still something I’m struggling with. Self-evaluation and improvement is of course a good thing that I’ve been doing more lately thanks in part to this blog, so hopefully the next time I write a reflective post I’ll be able to mention some things that I’ve been doing well since this one. 🙂

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