AWKWARD.

I wrote this one  last Sunday but never finished it since I’ve been really busy. I figured I might as well publish this one since I haven’t updated in over a week.

Overall, I’m a really awkward person. Awkward around strangers. Awkward around couples. Awkward around friends. Awkward around family. Awkward around everyone, really. Unless you’re a good friend, under the age of 6, or live with me. Then I’m just a horrible, horrible person.

.. I’m really not a people person.

In this post I mentioned how I was super duper moody and how that could affect my personality. I feel like lately I haven’t been doing the best I can when it comes to people. I’m 110% sure that people talk about me behind my back, and that there are probably more than a few people who don’t like me or think I’m really strange. Oddly enough, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest because I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone say it to my face. It does become a problem though, when I consider my responsibilities.

Since opening up the shop, it’s been really difficult for me to tell people about it. Not like I’m ashamed of it or anything – I’m just really shy about it. For the past few weeks we’ve been selling jewelry after our church services. I’ve been letting my “business partner” do most of the talking (she’s doing a great job FYI) while I’m pulling a disappearing act or merging with the wallpaper. I guess it’s not really fair, but I’ve been doing a lot of other things for the shop so I don’t feel too bad about it.

Besides, she’s much nicer.

I think one of the problems might be that I have a lot of pride, and although I rely on other people too much, I don’t like to admit that I do. I have this warped mindset that I need to do everything on my own, and that it’s petty to get even the smallest of help from others. Ironically, I am the most dependent person I know. I have no income/job, I can’t drive, I can’t cook, heck, I don’t even know how to use the washing machine??? Yet this idea still persists in my mind somehow..

Anyway, then there’s the other thing. Youth leading. What kind of a youth leader doesn’t know how to talk to the youth?! I find it so difficult to connect with most teenagers that come to our youth group (new or not). See, approaching them isn’t so bad because we can always make small talk, but creating a relationship with them is just a really big challenge for me.. Especially when it seems like we have no common interests or just have a large age gap, which I know isn’t an excuse. Still, I guess I have to credit myself for trying.. sometimes.

It becomes especially challenging when I’m placed in a role where I need to show support for a person because they are going through something tough. Most of the youth group are very unlikely to be the ones to initiate conversation with me. I just haven’t reached that level of closeness and trust. I think they see me more as very domineering..

You can probably tell by now, but I’m one of those people that “wear my heart on my sleeve”. I cannot hide my feelings, ever. Everyone around me instantly knows when I’m annoyed, upset or worried just by looking at my face. If I was in an anime, I’d probably have one of those vein stress marks on my forehead half the time, or one of those dark auras that characters get when they’re furious. Overall I would be a very expressive character T~T. I have made attempts to conceal my true feelings but it takes so much effort and I end up letting it all out at the end anyway. I think part of me wants people to know how I feel. Maybe I have a subconscious need for attention or something, but let’s save that for another day.

All these emotions I have make me regret a lot of things that I’ve done. When I feel very strongly about something, I usually end up making horrible spontaneous decisions. No one really says anything about them afterwards (and if they do, it’s usually in a joking manner), but whenever I reflect on what I’ve done, I always feel terrible. And really, really, really stupid. I think it’s a lot of these irrational decisions that make me such an awkward person to be around. I get extremely self conscious and wonder what people must be thinking, but since no one brings it up, it quickly becomes the elephant in the room.

Although I could just be over thinking – and I like elephants 😦

One of my friends told me something very insightful once. Apparently I can be intimidating because there are times when I am very withdrawn (around him anyway). He also told me that sometimes the way I answer people seems like I don’t want to talk to them because I act like I’m superior to them. Mind you, he only told me these things because I asked – not out of any mean intention. Reflecting on past interactions with friends and trying to put myself in their shoes, I can see how this might ring true a lot of the time. Despite being very emotional, I find it very hard to express how I feel through words. My mouth just spurts out random words but never what I actually want to say. There are so many times I can recall saying something insensitive to someone and hurting their feelings unintentionally. I guess it doesn’t help that I have a Resting Bitch Face and always look like I hate the world (which isn’t always untrue).

All of these reasons are why I love meeting and talking to people through online means. Meeting I don’t do so much, but chatting online or through technology is the definite catalyst for forming my relationships. When you’re behind a screen, you can take the time to reply and say exactly what you want with as much thought as you need. I don’t have to worry about what my body language might be saying or what my face looks like. I don’t have to worry about if my tone of voice is too snarky or seems to be uncaring (although there is the problem of ambiguity which I think I’ve overcome through various emojis and whatnot).

But due to the decline of opportunities where I get to meet new people and see them on a regular basis (because I currently don’t study or go out much) and falling out of contact with people, I’ll have to put in the extra effort to form relationships with those I already know and see regularly, if I want friends by 40. I know people were made to have interactions and relationships with other people, so it would be very unhealthy for me to keep pushing people away like this.

Therefore, tonight I’m making a conscious decision to try and be a less awkward, less offensive, generally better… person (friend?) to those around me. It might take some time, but hopefully it’ll be worth it.

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