BROKEN GLASS

Earlier today as I was considering what I should have for lunch, I accidentally broke the portable oven. I opened the cupboard where it was kept and as I closed it, it fell, causing the glass lid to shatter onto the kitchen floor. After Snapchatting a few people (how much more pathetic can you get these days?) and making some lame puns with my boyfriend, I grabbed the dustpan and swept up the mess.

As I was cleaning three things entered my mind: 1. How bad it would be if one of these tiny pieces of glass got into my eye through some sort of freak accident 2. At least I have something to do now.. and 3. I SHOULD WRITE ABOUT THIS ON MY BLOG. 

Whenever I meet new people or have catch ups, they always ask me the same questions. Where/what are you studying? Do you work? This is problematic for me because I do neither of these things. What results is a lot of awkwardness on my part trying to explain that I don’t have any idea what I want to do yet and that I spend my time doing church ministry. I’m pretty sure that usually translates into I stay home all day and sleep. Unfortunately, that isn’t far from the truth.

Ever since I became a senior in high school I always worried about what I would do after I graduated. High schools tend to push students towards getting into university after graduating – I really had no idea what other options I had apart from enrolling into a university. So I did. And I got my first preference too. Yay! Right?

Nope. My first year of university was horrible. I didn’t really understand how things worked and apparently I took one too many classes. I was having weekly breakdowns because I was falling behind and couldn’t understand the work even though I was trying to actually study (something I hardly did in high school). By the end of the year I ended up failing a few classes and hardly making any friends. I realized I wasn’t really interested in what I was learning either. I was studying a double degree – B Science / Arts. In my mind the “science” part was going towards my career and “arts” was so I could keep learning about ancient history (which I loved in high school but never really wanted to work in).

I ended up quitting.

It wasn’t an easy decision – at first I wanted to defer for a year so I could explore other options like short college courses, but it turns out you can’t be enrolled at two schools at the same time. I didn’t want to waste more time and money on another university course either, especially if I wasn’t 100% about it. For a few months I didn’t do anything, until my mother decided she wanted to do a short childcare course. Apparently the government would pay for it because we were both unemployed at the time, so she asked me to come along.

The childcare course was a piece of cake. Coming out of uni and doing relatively well in high school, the class was a breeze for me. There were a lot of times I didn’t even want to attend class because we were learning straight out of a textbook. Not to mention I didn’t really make any friends either (clear pattern here, but let’s save that for another day). I had to constantly help my mum get through her work as well which didn’t go so well since I’m impatient and don’t have much tolerance for my family sometimes.

I graduated September last year. And then I was back to square one.

For some time I kind of tried to look for a job, kind of tried to find something else to study, and kind of tried to push myself into doing more church work. Towards Christmas I went on holiday for a month and when I came back, I had the idea that I wanted to start a business. I got a few friends together and right now we’re slowly working on that.

But right now I’m still where I was last September. Can you imagine? A 20 year old who isn’t studying and has never had a paid job in her life? It’s so humiliating and being inside so much has made me even more socially awkward and extremely lazy.

I try to push myself to do things but they just don’t seem to happen. I try wake up at a certain time in the morning but I just go back to sleep – not because I’m still sleepy but because I don’t have anything that motivates me to get up. These days I just stay at home, occasionally doing things for church and the business. But most of the time I just feel guilty. I hate using my parents money and depending on them when I should already be working towards independence and helping them, and I hate that sinking feeling when people ask those two inevitable questions. Yet for some reason I just can’t seem to get off my ass. I make up these excuses for myself, that I’ll do better tomorrow and try my hardest, but they hardly ever happen.

I think I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of falling short of people’s expectations when it comes to working, and I’m afraid of being alone if I go back to school. I’m afraid of becoming an adult and all the fees and debts I’ll have to pay for and doing things I don’t like every day just to stay alive. But I’ve become comfortable with doing nothing and that’s something that scares me as well.

So why did I mention the broken oven?

Because of thought number two. At least I have something to do now. It hit me (thankfully not literally) how pathetic I’ve been for almost the past year. People have been telling me I should really enrol in something or work but I’ve just been shrugging them off with the excuse that I haven’t found anything that interests me. I know that if I don’t do something now, I most likely will never do it.

Nothing in this world comes for free. Somewhere, sometime, there was a sacrifice that was made and work that had to be done to get you where you are today. And if that place right now is bad? It’s your obligation to do something about it, not someone else’s.

I’m not sure how long this current “motivation” will last, but at least I’ll be able to read this post whenever I’m not feeling it. Despite all my fears I want to do something that will benefit me, even though it’ll include things that I don’t like or want to do. I know how difficult that will be for me after doing nothing for such a long time, but I don’t want to live in this state of constant fear and regret. I want to be someone that my parents can be proud to call their daughter.

I need to grow up. I need to get up and do something.

To end this post on a less serious note, here’s Shia LaBeouf’s motivational speech that recently went viral:

Just do it.*

*Not sponsored by Nike.

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